Because doing so is probably good for your health somehow. I mean, I don’t have any evidence to that effect, but it stands to reason.

Also, as always, I’m having a hard time meeting women. But my new instructor at the Tony Montana Academy for the American Dream explained to me how selling a lot of copies of my book would turn all that around.

So, there you go, you could get healthy, read America’s Next Top Novel (featuring the divine Miss J.*), and save me from dying alone. Or not. Your call. Whatever seems right.

* – Not actually featuring Miss J.